The Wait To Die- Suicidal Thoughts From A Mother of a Stillborn.

I lay here.

Still.

Broken into a million pieces

The silence is loud. I hear the house creak, the cars driving by outside, the choppiness of my breath and the steady strong beat of my heart deep in my ears. I hear a clock ticking but can’t tell you where’s it’s coming from.

I’m in the foetal position on my left side, facing the window. It’s early morning and I blink and remember I’m alive

Being alive hurts

I feel pain through every inch of my body. From the top of my head, through to my fingers tips right down to the sole of my feet.

There are no visible wounds but I feel the pain coursing through my entire being.

I breathe in through my nose and blow air out of my mouth.

I’m alive

But I think death would be a better escape

It has to be

With each minute that goes by, I ask God to take me.

Another minute goes by

I’m still alive

Hasn’t he tourtred me enough. Why won’t he just put me out of my misery?

Tears of disbelief, hurt and pain that has shattered me to my core, roll from my right eye, over the bridge of my nose, on to the other side of my face and pools onto the crevices of the left side of my face creating a puddle on my large, light grey sofa.

I lay here

Still

I blink

I can’t even wipe the tears away as that’s too much effort.

My body feels heavy

I couldn’t move even if I wanted to.

I don’t want to pee. Eat. Shower. Or brush my teeth.

I’m waiting.

Waiting for death.

Waiting to be transcended from this intense, indescribable pain.

Pain that I would never wish on another human yet I know there’s a mother out there like me. Unable to move. Unable to lift her head right now and unable to put on that brave face.

So we lay here.

Still.

A minute or maybe a few hours go by, as the sky becomes darker, more grey. A reflection of how I feel.

I’ve lost track of time

I’m making a plan

My brain suddenly comes to life

It’s like someone has put the batteries in.

My brain is the Duracell bunny and my fantasies quickly become wild, vivid and vibrantly colourful.

Death is becoming more and more like a great idea.

I’m fed up and I’m putting an end to this pain. This grief. This reality.

I find my phone and I manage to write. I’ve fought long enough.

The suicide note

08.03.19

My actions are not to hurt you but to free myself of this pain. I don’t want to feel any more pain this world has to offer. No one can take this pain away so I have to take it away myself. Lay me next to my daughter.

This is what I write while imagining the many ways I can exit this earth and leave all its troubles and heartbreaks behind.

I lay here.

Still.

My mind continues to run through the different ways I can complete my goal.

I think of taking pills and I’ve got alcohol but I think it might be slow and I want it to work.

I lay here.

Still.

I then think if I cut myself, I will then feel a different type of pain. A pain I can see and hopefully distract me from the inside pain. Then I think I don’t actually want to be in pain.

I lay here.

Still.

I then think to hang myself but I don’t just want to pass out and there’s no real place in my house to do it. I don’t want anymore pain or discomfort.

My brain is racing yet my body still won’t move.

I lay here.

Still.

In my stillness, I start to think of all the people I would hurt & I start to feel guilty and angry at myself for causing them pain.

I ball up like a child and cried my heart out. Cried my pain out. Cried my frustration out. I cried in rage at losing my daughter, rage that I felt like killing my self. Rage that God has forsaken me and allowed this to happen.

I wasn’t angry I was furious.

I cried until nothing else came.

Through my tears and thoughts, I see my dads face. The tears in his eyes and the pain etched in his face and I would never want him to feel that. Experience the loss of a child. My dad saves me and he doesn’t even know it.

I feel his love. I feel my attachment to my dad. That unconditional love. The type of love that crosses mountains, valleys and the widest oceans. The type of love that reminds you that you are loved. The type of love that lets you know that death is not the only option but life is. I see my dad face and he wants me here. To hold on. To live.

I breathe out my frustrations and close my eyes.

I see my partner and he’s reaching his hand out to me. He loves me. I remember and feel that. I’m feeling calmer but mentally exhausted. I hold on to the love of the two people who love me & I could never leave them this way.

I lay here.

No longer still

It’s now dark outside my window.

I’ve made it through the day.

My dad saved me

My partner saved me

Numbness has saved me.

I find the energy to turn on the TV and the silence in the room is immediately broken.

The TV is loud and breaks the trance I was in.

The TV is on Channel 4 News.

So much is happening and my brain can’t keep up.

News just in. Shamima Begum’s son has died and I instantly feel sorry for her. I know she’s done horrendous things and committed heinous crimes, but No mother should lose a child and she’s lost three. They report her son died from an infection in the camp in Syria. He was only 21 days old. Innocent.

I lay here.

Alive but Hurting for the love I lost

Alive yet Grateful for the love I have

I don’t want to die

I just want the pain to stop.

This blog piece was written at a time where I was at my darkest and I literally could not see my way out. Everyday since my daughter died, it was a fight for survival. A fight to just get through the day.

I want to shed light of how grief, shock and pain can leave one in despair where the only thing they want to do is get back to who they once were before the sadness.

To those that are feeling like no one understands, that might be true but I know they would want to be there for you. I know it’s not easy but reach out. Reach out and tell someone. Share your heart. It will be hard but you are valued and worth life! You deserve to be here.

UK Suicide Prevention Lines

A Child of Mine – Help for Bereaved Parents

Providing accurate, up to date practical information and guidance after the death of a child.  Ensuring professional bereavement services are improved through the experience of other bereaved families.  Designing and delivering more direct services to families after the death of a child, including financial assistance, support and practical advice.

Helpline on 07803 751229 from 9:00am – 5:00pm

Telephone: 01785 283 434

Email: hello@achildofmine.org.uk

Website: www.achildofmine.org.uk

Sands

The Sands National Helpline provides a safe, confidential place for anyone who has been affected by the death of a baby. Whether your baby died long ago or recently, we are here for you.

Helpline: 0808 164 3332 / helpline@sands.org.uk

Samaritans:

116 123

Mind

MindInfoline: 0300 123 3393

14 thoughts on “The Wait To Die- Suicidal Thoughts From A Mother of a Stillborn.

  1. You are stronger than you could ever imagine.
    I pray god protects and watches over you, and gives you inner strength to continue to fight through this grief and this thing called life.
    You are an inspiration, take good care of yourself. Many people need you.
    Your princess is an angel watching over your every move, every day. She is by your side, in your heart and all around. Live life to the fullest, do crazy things, take chances and do it all for you and for her!!! Xx

    Like

    1. Thank you for this encouraging message ❤️❤️❤️ I am definitely in a better space but at the point where I wrote I was in a deep darkness and so I thank God everyday that’s I’ve passed through the hardest part of this storm. My baby girl keeps me pushing, inspired and I want to make her proud. Thank you for reading and such kind words 💖💖

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      1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us Rima. You are an inspiration to many people out there once reading your blog. We thank God for His strength within you and managing to get through this all. Take each day at a time, time is a healer. May the Lord continue to give you the strength each day. God bless you and your household IJN. X

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      2. Thank you for reading and sharing such encouraging and kind words. God has been pulling me through even when I felt he left me. I thank God I have come from such darkness into a much happier place 🙏🏽💓

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  2. I’ve never lost a child so I can’t understand you’re pain, however, through your descriptive writing I can imagine and pretend to feel what you felt/feeling.

    I’ve been at a point a few times in my life where I’ve flirted with the idea of suicide. I went through all the thoughts of how and what would be the best way to do so, came to realise I would probably feel some type of discomfort. I despise self inflicted pain and so could never follow through.

    One particular suicidal episode, is when I understood wholeheartedly why suicide would be considered an option – it stops that pain that one’s feeling at that time and that’s good enough, so our mind and emotions tell us. What it doesn’t tell us is if we make that choice, we’ve only transferred our pain to others.

    Thank you for not choosing death, if you had we would have missed out on such pieces. Sometimes experiences be them bad or good birth gems we didn’t know existed within us.

    Your blog is collateral beauty that is now a gem.

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    1. Thank you for this kind message and I’m glad you’re still here.
      Pain puts us, our minds and hearts in such a place of darkness that we feel Suicide is the only way out but like you said the transfer of pain on to others and the people we love is also something we would never want.
      I hope you’re feeling stronger and more hopeful about life.
      You can message me at any time xxx

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  3. Hi,
    I can feel each n every bit of ur word and ur pain.
    Right now I am living this pain as I ve also lost my son a month ago after a full term.
    Thoughts like these have been in my mind since then.
    And I can’t find anyone with whom I can share it

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    1. I’m so so so so sorry for you loss and I can feel your broken heart through your message. If you need to speak with me directly I can give you my number.
      It’s a dark and hard road to be on and I pray you have support around you with People trying to uplift you and spending time with you even though you may not want it.
      I’m happy you messaged me and spoke your truth and if I can help please do let me know.
      You will get out of the darkness and move it to the light. ❤️❤️❤️

      Like

  4. I am grateful that you are still here and have chosen to share your intimate thoughts and feelings with us all.

    Your strength is to be admired… Thank you xx

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  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m in and out of the same thing. I have a 3 year old but if I didn’t I’m not sure I would be here. It’s been 8 weeks since I lost my baby girl. It’s hard to live sometimes. Glad you’re still here. Take care of yourself Xx

    Like

    1. I’m glad you’re still here too 🙏🏽 I know the devastation you’re going through and I wish there were words I could say to take your heartbreak away.

      Just know that you’re doing a great job in focusing & loving on your 3 year old in such a traumatic time.

      I hope you’re being supported and I hope the heaviness in your heart will be lifted.

      I’m so so sorry for your loss for your baby girl❤️❤️❤️ you can message me anytime.

      Thank you for reading and sharing your heart.

      I’m sending love and light to you and your family xxx

      Like

  6. Way to be a voice to the hurt and pain. Glad you made it through!!… Your daughter is safe and cared for in Heaven with JESUS… You’ve continue on with faith along your journey and through your experience with her have compassion to share with others…

    Like

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