A Letter To My Stillborn

There was an earthquake.

Our worlds collided and combined. Synergy. Cosmic. Destiny. This world I love. This world I trust and want to do everything with including create mini worlds. Mini worlds that will turn in to great and fantastic worlds. You are our mini world.

There was an earthquake.

Infinity on the Richter scale.

Casualties. Everyone.

Lives have forever been changed.

Hearts angry and sad.

Nothing is the same.

I look around and see devastation. I feel the devastation. Deep. So so deep. Down to my core. To breathe feels like a slap in the face because the one I want to breathe is not here. No air. There’s no air. Every breath that draws in is a breath that you will not take. I was your incubator. Your shield. I was your protector and I let you down. Others say don’t feel the guilt but it is woven into every inch of my flesh. Who can I blame if not myself?

There was an earthquake.

Reason for the earthquake: None.

Infection. None.

Genetics. None.

Placenta. Perfect.

Cause of death: “Bad luck” they say.

Any signs of life: Yes.

16 weeks later and the worlds are starting to rebuild. Things are different now even though the world on the outside still looks the same. The core is vulnerable. The core is uncertain if this will ever happen again. The core wonders if this is a risk ever worth taking again.

Have Faith we tell ourselves.

Time for a change up, a shake up, a plan. New health. New job. New life. But no you. How new can I become to stop this shaking within? I can’t become new if becoming new means losing a piece of you. So I weave you. I weave you into every breath. Into every decision. Into every conversation.

You will not be forgotten.

We, your parents love you beyond words. Beyond description and beyond this world. We hope to make you proud and we say thank you.

Thank you for teaching us to love what we cannot see. Thank you for showing us what a great experience creating life is. And reminding us and others that life is precious and a blessing. Thank you for being my little internal best friend, who I would sit and speak with, pray with and feel the true meaning of joy and contentment with.

There was an earthquake.

But we’re grateful. Because of you we really know what true love is. You are so loved. Loved before we met you and loved now you’ve left. You were made in love and we will forever be in love with you. We, your family, all love you baby C.

Our worlds will never be the same. Etched into our cores forever and even after that.

I’ll be waiting to hold you on the other side.

Love mummy xx

4 thoughts on “A Letter To My Stillborn

  1. You write so beautifully, it captivates my heart in every way. Loss is never an easy topic to discuss, but like you have done I always focus on the beauty of the situation. The blessing of love.

    It will be scary to try again, but place faith in God for he can do what everyone says is impossible. I myself am a rainbow baby, my brother was stillborn and passed 2 years ahead of my arrival.

    Its easy to say dont blame yourself but in your secret time God will show you why, and if its a case that Charlotte’s mission was just to love you for those weeks then she did her job, or if its case he gives you continued strength to endure this situation to be the strength for someone else in the future, I’d say embrace it. You are a mum, you are a survivor, you are a warrior, an overcomer and a blessing.

    Continue to live your truth remember, its ok to have down days. But speak out and let the love of others surround you.

    Charlotte’s memory will never die, watch as you continue to minister to other broken hearts and interally heal how Charlotte lives on daily.

    Love and blessings x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your love as a mother is wonderful and no one can take that away from you. Faith is what keeps us going in life and God has proven to us if we have faith.

      God is your Strength!

      🙏🙏🙏🙏

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Thank you for your kind words. I feel like you truly captured my thoughts in your message and have such great understanding. I feel so very empowered and hopeful & for that I’m grateful.

      God bless you and thank you xx

      Liked by 1 person

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